Letters to Travis

"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." - Charles Bukowski

Forever in memoriam of Kyle. A. keller.

Dear Travis,

This will be my last post on this blog, however, it will not be my last letter to you. I will continue to write to you throughout the course of my life, through both bright and dark times. You’ve always been there for me, and you’re my best friend - always will be. I just need a new start, a new mentality for life. I’ve been getting there lately, I really have. I think Kyle’s death has had an immense impact on me that has been unsettling. It has shot the idea into me that I need to get things together. I need to have a better mentality and outlook on life. I was getting there - I really was - and then I learned Kyle died, and it just emphasized it ten times more. I need to live in his name, in your names. I have made the choice to live for the both of you from this day forward.

I have made a new Tumblr that I will continue to blog on, but with a new mentality. In the past month, I have changed so much, Travis, and I can’t emphasize that enough. Kyle’s death just changed me so much more. Last night was a long and painful night, and I thought about a lot. I thought about how far I’ve come in the past month, and how far I still need to go. I go to college in August. I only have so much time. But I feel improvement each and every day.

This final post serves as my forgiving those who have hurt me in the past, and it serves as my letting go of the past. As said in Silver Linings Playbook, "I got nothing but love for you, brother," I got nothing but love for everyone on this earth, despite anything they have done to hurt me. From this day forward, I will live for the future, appreciate each and every day, spread nothing but love, and I will live for Kyle, and for you as well. I will live each day to fullest it can be lived.

Life is a beautiful thing, Travis, and I am so sorry that you and him won’t get to see that beauty. But I promise, I will on your behalf. Everything I do will be in your names.

I love you, and I thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I am forever indebted to you.

I’ll see you soon.


Dear Travis,

I logged onto Facebook this afternoon to find out that one of my closest friends throughout my high school years committed suicide a few days ago. When I read that he had, I could feel part of me die as he had. I could feel my heart stop beating and I couldn’t breathe. I started shaking uncontrollably, and I only just was able to stop crying after roughly five hours. I’ve had this nonstop pain in my chest, and while I hadn’t spoken to him since October, I cannot imagine a world without him in it. He meant so much to me and got me through so much in this life. It is extremely difficult to accept that he is no longer here.

He once told me, "There are some amazing people in your life. They are absolutely beautiful people, truly shining lights. And you will pull at them harder than gravity itself. But you have to remember something - light isn’t affected by gravity." I realize now that it’s true. Kyle was that amazing, beautiful person who was a shining light in my life. We didn’t speak much as our paths grew apart, but there was comfort in knowing he was there.

I remember when he said to me, “I love you, and you’re my best friend. I’m going to be at your wedding one day with two thumbs up, cheering you on.” Travis, I know he will be there, and I know you will be as well. I know you both will be there, but I do wish that you both could be there in person at the end of the day. It’s going to be really hard to accept it. It’s still a shock. It breaks my heart to know that he did not make it to graduation, nor to college. I ache for him, and want to apologize for not having been there.

I intend to keep to myself for a while. I don’t have the energy to speak to others, and I need to heal. A part of myself died with him. I know I need to stay strong and live on his behalf, but to put it simply, I am grieving. I miss him so much, and I need to fully accept his departure without crying uncontrollably to the point where my eyes burn. I have every intention to rise for him, but first, I need to heal, and I think he understands that as well.

Travis, I may begin to write letters to him. You have gotten me through so much, but I know I need to maintain my friendship and my connection with him, and letters are the way to do so.

I’ve cried so much that I feel numb and my eyes keep burning. My cheeks are chapped from the tears, and honestly, I don’t think there are any tears left within me.

I miss him, and I love him so much more.


Anonymous asked: Whether you think you can, or you think you cannot-- you're right

I do not need this right now. Please stop sending me these type of messages.