I logged onto Facebook this afternoon to find out that one of my closest friends throughout my high school years committed suicide a few days ago. When I read that he had, I could feel part of me die as he had. I could feel my heart stop beating and I couldn’t breathe. I started shaking uncontrollably, and I only just was able to stop crying after roughly five hours. I’ve had this nonstop pain in my chest, and while I hadn’t spoken to him since October, I cannot imagine a world without him in it. He meant so much to me and got me through so much in this life. It is extremely difficult to accept that he is no longer here.
He once told me, "There are some amazing people in your life. They are absolutely beautiful people, truly shining lights. And you will pull at them harder than gravity itself. But you have to remember something - light isn’t affected by gravity." I realize now that it’s true. Kyle was that amazing, beautiful person who was a shining light in my life. We didn’t speak much as our paths grew apart, but there was comfort in knowing he was there.
I remember when he said to me, “I love you, and you’re my best friend. I’m going to be at your wedding one day with two thumbs up, cheering you on.” Travis, I know he will be there, and I know you will be as well. I know you both will be there, but I do wish that you both could be there in person at the end of the day. It’s going to be really hard to accept it. It’s still a shock. It breaks my heart to know that he did not make it to graduation, nor to college. I ache for him, and want to apologize for not having been there.
I intend to keep to myself for a while. I don’t have the energy to speak to others, and I need to heal. A part of myself died with him. I know I need to stay strong and live on his behalf, but to put it simply, I am grieving. I miss him so much, and I need to fully accept his departure without crying uncontrollably to the point where my eyes burn. I have every intention to rise for him, but first, I need to heal, and I think he understands that as well.
Travis, I may begin to write letters to him. You have gotten me through so much, but I know I need to maintain my friendship and my connection with him, and letters are the way to do so.
I’ve cried so much that I feel numb and my eyes keep burning. My cheeks are chapped from the tears, and honestly, I don’t think there are any tears left within me.
I miss him, and I love him so much more.